Stop thinking, dumbass!
by nannulainen
Summary: Hinata deals with a massive stress and overthinks how to deal with his feelings towards Kageyama. That little ball of sunshine should seriously consider not to think anything. It only makes him hurt himself. KageHina.


**Hello! I started this as to write something cute, overly sweet fluff, but all I got was extremely angsty Hinata as he is stupid and thinks way too much for his own good. Yeah. I fucked up royally. Meh. Hope you like it anyway.**

* * *

Hinata was pissed. And the reason for it was standing at the other side of the net arguing with Tsukishima once again.

 _~Why in the hell it had to be him?!~_

He just couldn't understand it. He had expected his first love to be someone cute girl with a warm smile. Not Kiyoko, she was way out off his league. Yeah, she was pretty and nice, but at the same time she seemed cold and mild.

That's why he'd expected it to be Yachi. She had the warmest smile of any other girl he had met, well Natsu still beat the blond ten fold, and she was so cute. She kinda reminded him of a little Pomeranian puppy.

So why?! Why it had to be a boy? Not an any boy, but his rival and teammate AND his setter.

Although everybody seemed to think that he didn't understand anything about love. Nor that he even could have that kind of feelings as him being the kind of volleyball dork as he was. They thought that he'd marry a volleyball someday, if nothing else.

But he wasn't that stupid.

Oh, man. He was so screwed. He knew he was. His feelings didn't affect their team play yet, but it was only a matter of time. Soon he'd be way too conscious of the other boy. He already was a little, and it got worse by every day.

There was't a day that he hadn't caught himself staring at his setter's abs as he'd made a jump serve and his shirt had shown a little taste what was beneath.

 _~Shit shit shit shit... I'm so screwed.~_

With a heavy sight he shoke his head and slapped himself hard to his both cheeks, forcing himself to focus at the practise.

"Hinata? Is everything okay?" Suga's calming voice drifted to his ears and made him finally out of his thoughts.

"Yeah. I'm sorry. I guess I didn't sleep so good last night." Hinata flashed a little embarrassed smile to the third year. He hadn't lied. Even he had slept, his dreams were full of Kageyama and his long, slender and skilful fingers, making his body hot and desperate.

 _~Damn. Do not go there!~_

"Is there something that bothers you so you can't sleep?" Suga's worry reflected from his warm eyes. "You know you can talk to us about everything if you wan't. We'd be clad to help you."

"Nah. Thank you though." Hinata smiled before he rushed back to his resieves but added as he shot a quick glance over his shoulder at he silver haired boy. "This is something I haven to deal with my own. Don't worry, I'll be okay."

* * *

Or that was what he thought. He had tried everything. Supressing, denial, avoiding (to the point that Kageyama had cornered him and shouted at him and calling him dumbass before hitting on top of his head with a warning to take a grip and get back to the game) and now he was clueless what to do.

He didn't want to be in love Kageyama. He didn't want to loose his setter, now that he finally had found someone to give him the tosses he needed. They fulfilled one another perfectly. It was like they were a match made by the Lady Fate, in volleyball. He didn't have those delusions that it could be the same in romantically. He knew better. And it seemed that they were already falling apart. And that thought had been eating him for weeks now and it started to take it's toll.

* * *

It had been a couple of months now. Hinata felt bad for his behaviour, he knew he'd been acting weird, and he felt that he had let his team down. And it didn't matter when they said that 'don't mind' and 'there's always a next time'. It was his fault that they had lost their match against aoba johsai. It had been important match for Kageyama.

Hinata sunk even further to his depression, which he didn't even notice even develop in a first place.

It was like many times with depression, it crawled in like a slowly effecting poison. You only thought it was nothing, only a phase. You'll be fine soon. You'll get better if you just wait. Just a little bit longer.

He just stubbornly pushed the worried glances and words away, belittling everything.

Soon his appearance started to crumple. He had lost his weight a little (not much, since he still ate somewhat automatically, but he tasted nothing), his shine had started to fade from his hair, his smile didn't reach to his eyes.

He felt worth of nothing. He was nothing. He should quit volleyball, he had dragged his team down for a long enough. He had let Kageyama down. He didn't even deserve to have him as his setter anymore.

And then, one day in a middle of their practise (which had been a disaster), Hinata stopped in a middle of his run for a jump. And as the toss that Suga had tossed to him (Hinata had refused to spike Kageyama's tosses until he'd got his shit together) flew untouched and the ball bounced mockingly against the floor, Hinata just stood there. Muttering something what made the whole gym freeze from shock.

"What's the point?"

And then he stepped out off the gymdoor, ignoring the worried and surprised shouts from his team and coach and the thunder from everyone's feet as the whole team made a dash after him, only to be stopped from Ukai's loud order.

Ukai ordered the others to continue their practise, and everyone was prohibited from following, before he ran after the ginger who hopefully had not got far yet.

* * *

Hinata's feet lead him automatically towards to their clubroom. His mind was blank and he saw nothing, he heard nothing.

When a hand grapped from his shoulder and made him halt, he just stared blankly in front of him.

"Hinata. Please look at me." Ukai turned the boy to face to face and hold him gently, but firmly, from both of his shouders as he leaned to the shorter one's level.

As Hinata slowly turned his eyes to Ukai's face, the dead look in his eyes made the man's heart shrink. "Talk to me."

"Ukai-coach. I think I'll quit volleyball." Hinata said monotonously, not even noticing the tears breaking through because of his own words.

That's was when Ukai decided to continue their conversation inside, so he silently lead the boy inside to the volleyball team's clubroom.

* * *

As the door closed behind them, a part of Ukai was hoping that Takeda-sensei had been in their practise that time. He seemed always know what to say in a pinch situations. And he was terrified to screw up the fragile mind of adolescent boy, who had been the cause of worry and stress of the whole volleyball team for way too many weeks. He really hoped that they hadn't let this situation go this far.

 _~Be a man, Keishin. Be a man.~_

With a heavy sigh Ukai gathered himself together and turned to look at the boy, who seemed look around like not realising how he had got there and wondering why he was crying.

"Hinata." Ukai's voice made the boy to face his coach again. "You know. I can't take you seriously when you say that you wanna quit. And that's because we all know that you love volleyball. And I know that you would never even consider something like that if you were in your right mind."

He fell silence as he hoped that Hinata would open up himself. Hoping that his words were enough of an push to the boy.

"Everyone in our team can see that there has been something bothering you for months now. And we're all worried about you. That's why the way you had been forcing yourself to carry your problems alone makes us feel sad. Don't you think that the weight that has been burdening you, would feel much lighter if you share it with someone?" Ukai waited again for his words to sink to the boy's consciousness. And luckily it seemed finally wake the boy out of his trance.

Hinata's face turned in a ugly frown as his mask completely fell down as his tears flush the last pieces of it with them.

Hinata slowly let himself slide to the floor as he couldn't hold the pain and agony, all the suppressed feelings, in. He spilled all his anxiety, all his pain and thoughts to not deserving to even exist anymore. His self-loathe for destroying their team balance, how he deserved nothing but hatered from them. It was all his fault. His fault. A genius like Kageyama deserved much better spiker, someone who had more guts, skill and heart. Someone as broken and unworthy like himself couldn't be part of their team.

Ukai had known that Hinata had had a hard time lately, but he wouldn't have even guessed that, Hinata all of people, could think so lowly himself. What happened to the boy who had announced to become the next ace, the next small giant.

The sight of their team's always so radiating little ball of sunshine, now crouching on the floor, squeezing his chest from unbearable agony, bawling his eyes out.

It broke Ukai's heart. And all he could do, and all he should do, was to gather the small boy a little awkwarly, since he wasn't use to that kind of situations, in to his arms and let him spill all out and hope that it was enough to make that boy feel safe enough as the boy kept belittling and trash talking of himself.

* * *

The team outside of the club room door listened silently at the conversation going inside. Even the two troublemakers, Noya and Tanaka, were dead serious and silent as a grave.

Naturally the team couldn't be left behind and they all had followed as soon as they were sure that coach couldn't notice them. Surprisingly lead by Daichi and Suga.

And when they heard Hinata's heartbreaking rant, it took a lot not to crash in right there. It would have distracted Hinata and maybe made him close up again. Only when Suga was sure that Hinata got all out, he calmly opened the door and they all surrounded the two.

Hinata looked so small. Normally his always so happy and positive attitude somewhat compensated for his small frame, but now he looked so vulnerable, fragile.

First Suga, then Kageyama and Daichi, Noya and Tanaka. Soon all of them were in a one big group hug. Even Tsukishima had joined in.

After they all just sat there for a while, Suga opened his mouth and his voice was so full of emotions that it was asphyxiated. "Hinata. We are all here for you. You are one of us, one of our team. And our team is like a family. You don't need to earn a place in a family. And don't you even dare to talk about yourself like that. You are the most valued and needed little ball of sunshine of ours, our team ain't nothing without you. Got that?"

"Yeah..." Hinata's silent whisper was almost inaudible.

Slowly everyone started to get up as their limps got all stingy.

"And don't you even dare to bottle up all that shit of your's anymore! DUMBASS!" Kageyama snapped and gave a good whack to Hinata's head. "If you have something in your mind, you'll come straight to me and spill all out before you hurt yourself with all that overthinking! Your brains not made for thinking!"

"True to to that." Tsukishima snickered, to shatter the rest of the bad atmosphere.

* * *

Finally, with the whole team's support and Suga's stubborn motherly fussing, Hinata slowly fully recovered from his faux pas.

Hinata felt happy again, though he was quite embarrassed of how pathetic he had been. And only because of that he had been so stupid to suppress his own feelings. Just like a coward. And that in mind he made his decision.

He waited when they had finished their last practise of the day and headed home after changing. "Kageyama. I have something to confess, even though it feels soo stupid right now."

"Hah?"

"I'm seriously embarrassed of my behaviour last couple of months. But mostly because the start for it was so stupid. So... uno.. anyhow, please let me finish first."

"Just spill it out."

"I... I have a crush and eh... in order to keep them in my life I felt that I had to forget my feelings. Eh... It didn't go well, as you know. I tried everything. Suppressing, denial, avoiding them. And because I was so stupid, I tried to deal with it in my own. And the result for it was that I over stressed myself, fucked up with practise and top of that still kept everyone away."

"Yeah. You were stupid. Over something like that." Kageyama muttered with a weird face.

"Y-yeah. Kageyama. There's more."

"Oh my god. Still?!"

"Oi! You promised to let me finish!"

"Then don't be such an slowpoke!"

"ANYWAY!" Hinata snarled and rolled his eyes and halted suddenly. "Kageyama. I... the person I like... eh.."

"You don't have to tell me. Yachi right? Besides, I don't even understand why you had to hide it." Kageyama stared to his feet, his hands shoved deep in his pockets.

"Eh? Yachi? Well, yeah. I kinda thought that she'd be my first love, but I was wrong." Hinata took a deep breath. " I like YOU."

Kageyama's eyes went wide.

"Yeah. Shocking? I know. That's why it was so hard to deal with. I didn't want to loose you and I wanted to keep playing with you. And because I became overly conscious about you, I started to act weird and... yeah... I don't wait you to answer my feelings. I just wanted to come clear. So... eh... just please keep playing volleyball with me. Eh.. that's all. Well see ya at monday, I guess." After chuckling akwardly, avoiding Kageyama's gaze, Hinata hopped on his bike and kicked his bike onwards.

"OI! DUMBASS!" Kageyama shouted as he rushed to grab from the ginger's back before he could escape. "Here you go again. Running away before I can say anything!"

"You don't need to say anything. Didn't I say it already. " Hinata muttered his face burning red. "And I tried to be thoughtful and not to embarrass you any further."

"Don't go assuming anything on your own. And I want to give you my answer."

"No need. Let go already, Bakageyama!" Hinata struggled to get off from the strong grip.

"Stop struggling! Dumbass! Oi! Fine!" Loosing his temper, Kageyama yanked Hinata close and forced a kiss to his trembling lips. "You got it now!? I fucking like you too, you fucking dumbass!"

"Oh. Well... uh.. uno... ya wanna go out with me?"

"Dumbass." Kageyama chuckled and kissed the ginger again, softly and tenderly this time, let go of him and headed to his home. "Night, Hinata! See ya tomorrow!"

"Oi! What you mean tomorrow?! OI! Answer me, dammit!"I

* * *

 **And there you have it. It was way longer that I meant, but well. No can do.**


End file.
